Validation is one of the most powerful parenting tools, and yet it is often left out of traditional behavioural parent training programs
– the first two qualities of good listeners are listening and attempting to understand the speaker.
– The final step and secret to becoming a good listener is validating what the speaker is saying.
– in order to become a “great listener,” you actually need to become a great validator.
Providing someone with validation basically entails letting them know you are aware of their feelings, comprehend them, and that it is acceptable for them to be that way.
Effective validation recognizes a specific emotion and provides rationale for feeling that emotion; it goes beyond merely repeating back what the speaker says. Humans respond to situations through their emotions. It might be detrimental if you tell someone they shouldn’t feel a certain way. Instead, make an effort to comprehend why and how you feel the way you do.
By validating the emotional experience of children, parents can help them learn how to handle the big emotions that often lead to tantrums, meltdowns, and conflict within the family. Helping children learn to self-regulate is one of the most important parenting tasks, as emotion regulation is a critical life skill that is predictive of positive outcomes.
When children are validated, they experience a reduction in the intensity of their emotions. Reducing the intensity of the emotion allows them to move through the meltdown faster and it opens your child up to problem solving or pushing through a difficult situation or task.
“It will be alright.”
“It’s not that horrible, really.”
“You shouldn’t be so enraged over that,”
“You’re not the only person this has happened to, after all.”
These responses seem rude and demonstrates a lack of consideration. Instead, you may show them that you comprehend both their feelings and the reasons behind them. With this, they can come up with a solution or be content to seek out your counsel and assistance.
Since it doesn’t label how the person feels as good or negative, validation is impartial.
VALIDATION IS ONLY FOR NEGATIVE EMOTIONS
People frequently associate the demand for validation with the presence of a bad emotion. that’s incorrect. there are several options to support pleasant experience. But they’re simple to miss if we’re not paying attention. The secret is to apply the same strategy you would when validating a bad experience to a good one.
YOU CAN’T VALIDATE IF YOU DON’T AGREE
You are validating someone when you say, “I fully comprehend why you’re feeling the way you are.” This is distinct from declaring that you are correct or that I concur. As long as you get the other person’s point of view and perspective, you can validate someone without necessarily agreeing with them. If you truly concentrate on understanding the person, where he or she is coming from on the circumstance, their feelings, and so on, you will find that the reasons why people behave in various ways and respond in particular ways are extremely understandable. Validating your feelings is one of the best strategies to handle rage, conflicts, and other negative emotions.
VALIDATION IS SIMPLY REPEATING WHAT THE OTHER PERSON SAYS
Validation entails more than just repeating what the other person has said. When it comes to effective validation and listening, merely pondering on the person’s words, making sure you understood them right, and repeating them again to show them you are paying attention is acceptable but not ideal. Effective validation is really about making an effort to comprehend the speaker’s feeling behind their words as well as the reason for their response (or actions) in the given circumstance.
The six ways to validate emotions are:
1. Start by being present and listening. When a person shares their experience and feelings with you, try to listen from her point of view. Often one of the reasons other people are uncomfortable with intense emotion is that they don’t know what to say. Just being present, paying complete attention to the person in a nonjudgmental way, is often the answer
2. Use accurate reflection. Accurate reflection means you summarize what you have heard from someone else or summarize your own feelings If you are not sure what else to say, you can use simple nods and phrases like “I am listening to you,” “mhm.” If necessary, ask additional questions. For example, if another person told you a story that visibly concerned her, ask:
“Sounds like you’re disappointed in yourself because you didn’t call him back,” could be accurate reflection by someone else
3. Level three is “Mindreading” which is guessing what another person might be feeling or thinking. People vary in their ability to know their own feelings. For example, some confuse anxiety and excitement and some confuse excitement and happiness. Some may not be clear about what they are feeling because they weren’t allowed to experience their feelings or learned to be afraid of their feelings.
I’m guessing you must have felt pretty hurt by her comment” is Level Three validation.
4. Level four is understanding the person’s behavior in terms of their history and biology. Your experiences and biology influence your emotional reactions. If your best friend was bitten by a dog a few years ago, she is not likely to enjoy playing with your German Shepherd.
Validation at this level would be saying, “Given what happened to you, I completely understand your not wanting to be around my dog.”
5. Level five is normalizing or recognizing emotional reactions that anyone would have. Understanding that your emotions are normal is helpful for everyone. For the emotionally sensitive person, knowing that anyone would be upset in a specific situation is validating. For example, “Of course you’re anxious. Speaking before an audience the first time is scary for anyone.”
6. Level six is radical genuineness. Radical genuineness is when you understand the emotion someone is feeling on a very deep level. Maybe you have had a similar experience. Radical genuineness is sharing that experience as equals.
Understanding the levels may be easy. Putting them into practice is often more difficult. Practice is the key to making validation a natural part of the way you communicate
IDEAL IS GOING FOR THE HIGHEST LEVEL YOU ARE ABLE TO PERFORM