Punishment does not change the child engaging in the behaviour. Instead, it makes little ones avoid, at all costs, the source of punishment – that is, you. You are also responding to the behaviour with attention. Even though it is negative attention, any attention is attention, and thereby reinforcing the behaviour.

WHAT YOU NEED TO DO

ATTENTION SEEKING TANTRUMS ONLY

Your behaviour must model to your child a calm and regulated face and body. Specifically:

  • Stay calm.
  • Be neutral (neither happy nor angry).
  • Give no eye contact to your child.
  • Offer no verbal exchanges, e.g. “I said no”.
  • Avoid reasoning or negotiating.
  • Remove physical comfort and touch for a short period of time

If it is safe to do so, pretend the tantrum is not happening and continue with what you were doing or were going to do (e.g. preparing lunch, tidying up the room, etc.).

If you give in or react at any stage of a tantrum, the next tantrum will be worse as you have taught your child that if they tantrum for long enough and big enough, you will eventually give in.

AT SOME POINT YOU NEED TO INTRODUCE SISTER STRATEGY “REDIRECTION”

This is when we move little ones on to something that is functional whilst paying no attention to the challenging behaviour. For example, you would gently pick up your child (albeit kicking and possibly screaming) and take them over to their shoes. With your hand on theirs, you would pick up their shoes. You would then throw rewards at the fact that they partook in the functional act by praising them: “Hooray, we have your shoes!” This praise is given even if they were fully prompted to get their shoes. You praise them as if they had done the act completely independently. This will only work for those children that can be physically guided (not physically forced).

WHEN CALMNESS REIGNS...

We then immediately re-engage positively with a clean slate (do not discuss or talk about the tantrum, as this in itself is providing attention to the tantrum after all your hard work to remove attention). Catch that calm moment as son as you can to positively reinforce this new more functional behaviour