For the first couple of years of your child’s life a parent tends to absorb everything their child does or says. By about the age of three parents become to understand their child has a mind of their own. The parent also is not as intent in their attention because the child is starting to make some basic choices and decisions. Your child may resort to attention seeking behaviour (aka misbehaviour) to gain more attention at this stage.
By the time your child hits school age, from about ages 5-6 their sphere of social influence is greater with peers, and decreases with parents. From here on in parents be aware because how they parent their children will be the determining factor (generally) of how their children will tend to behave. No parent enters parenthood as an expert, it is totally a learning experience, however, how that parent has been raised has a strong determining factor on how they will parent their child.
These pages are designed for those parents who would like to have some strategies up their sleeves for the times they are needed. You may also find the “Teenagers” section useful to browse through.
For the first couple of years of your child’s life a parent tends to absorb everything their child does or says. By about the age of three parents become to understand their child has a mind of their own. The parent also is not as intent in their attention because the child is starting to make some basic choices and decisions. Your child may resort to attention seeking behaviour (aka misbehaviour) to gain more attention at this stage.
By the time your child hits school age, from about ages 5-6 their sphere of social influence is greater with peers, and decreases with parents. From here on in parents be aware because how they parent their children will be the determining factor (generally) of how their children will tend to behave. No parent enters parenthood as an expert, it is totally a learning experience, however, how that parent has been raised has a strong determining factor on how they will parent their child.
These pages are designed for those parents who would like to have some strategies up their sleeves for the times they are needed. You may also find the “Teenagers” section useful to browse through.
Problem Behaviour
The ages of the stages below are just a guide. When checking to see whether your kids are on track, read the stages around the actual age of your child. The progression through the stages is more important than the age at which this
happens. As long as kids are moving through the stages, it doesn’t matter if they get there slower than other kids.
5 YEAR OLDS
- Will understand the importance of rules but might divert from the rules when playing. Rules tend to be ‘flexible’ – for them at least.
- May accuse others of cheating if they don’t win a game.
- Will start to show empathy and an understanding that other people might have points of view that are different to their own.
- Will be able to share but might still find it difficult, especially when it comes to their special things.
- Might be afraid of failure, criticism and spooky things like ghosts or monsters.
- Attention span will start to increase which will impact on the type of discussions you are able to have with them.
- Might come across as being an ‘expert’ on everything.
- Will enjoy joking around and will start to develop ‘potty’ humour.
- Will be looking to make their own decisions, particularly around what to wear and what to eat.
- If starting at school, might be moodier, more sensitive or more tired than usual. It’s exhausting having to sit still and concentrate for long periods
The Support They Need
- Encourage anything that will get your child moving, particularly if it is in a group or a team with others. This will help your child to develop important skills like taking turns, getting along with others, working together, negotiating, compromising, and winning or losing graciously.
- Set aside time each day to play with your child or spend one on one time together. This will give your child the opportunity to let you into their world, which will always be one of the best places to be. From here you can get a feel for what is going on in their beautifully flourishing minds.
- Start to expand your child’s emotional literacy by naming and discussing feelings.
- Connect rewards to responsibilities. ‘How about you help me clear the table and then you can have dessert?’
- Continue to keep rules simple and try not to have too many.
6 YEAR OLDS
- It’s pretty likely that they will know a lot more than you. Just ask them.
- May start tantruming again.
- Can start to test the limits but will still want to please you and help out.
- Will seek praise for their school work and for the good things they do.
- Will seek to master new skills and to feel competent.
- Might worry about being away from you.
The Support They Need
- Encourage their efforts and acknowledge when they have worked hard.
- Encourage effort over outcome to help them develop a growth mindset and a strong self-belief in their capacity to achieve.
- Ensure they get the support they need if they are struggling at school.
- Avoid overpraise or meaningless praise and let them know that they are special, but so are other people.
7 YEAR OLDS
- Might tend towards complaining, usually about their parents or the rules, but also about friends and other kids.
- Will feel misunderstood by many.
- Can be dramatic about school, friends or life in general.
- Will try to use words to talk about how they are feeling but may become frustrated and angry when they are upset.
- Will be becoming more aware of what other people think.
The Support They Need
- Listen and validate what they are feeling and know that you don’t need to fix their problems.
- Discuss how they might solve the things that are causing them trouble. Give them space and encouragement to come up with their own ideas.
- Don’t be drawn into the dramatics.
- Don’t immediately think that things are a mess because they are saying they are.
- Jump on the positive.
8 YEAR OLDS
- Will want you to think the way they do and will have little tolerance for your difference of opinion.
- Will be very sensitive to what you think of them.
- Will often fight with the mother.
- There won’t be a lot of grey. Things will be black or white, right or wrong, good or bad.
- This tendency to think in absolutes might cause a little trouble with friendships. Take comfort in knowing that yours won’t be the only small person struggling with this. They’ll be okay – this is the part where they learn about friendships and how to get along with people.
The Support They Need
- When you’re praising their good behaviour, be clear about what it is they have done.
- Avoid arguing whenever you can. With their black and white thinking, an argument will just mean that someone is right (them) and someone is wrong (you). Instead, ask them to explain their point of view and encourage them to see things from different angles.
- Spend plenty of time together to cement the relationship for the pull away that is coming at adolescence.
9 YEAR OLDS
- Friends will start to be more important than parents, and this will continue through adolescence.
- What their friends think will start to become more and more important.
- Will narrow the friendship field by having closer friendships, but less of them.
- Will share jokes and secrets with friends.
- Will push against rules and directions and may disrespect you.
- Will be able to be loving and silly but will also develop the capacity to be selfish, argumentative and abrasive.
The Support They Need
- Provide them with opportunities for independence and to make their own decisions.
- Avoid being too bossy or directive.
- Encourage them to start thinking about things from another point of view, ‘What would so-and-so say about that?’ ‘How do you think she felt when that happened?’
10-11 YEAR OLDS
- The tantrums of childhood will be calming down by now. Enjoy it because adolescence has heard that you’re relaxing and it’s on its way.
- Might still argue about rules and the necessity and detail of them.
- Will try to explain away misbehaviour through excuses and justifications. They will fight hard to find the loophole in the rule.
- Promises become important and they will remember EVERYTHING – except when it’s their turn to take out the rubbish.
The Support They Need
- Don’t make promises you won’t be able to keep. Once they have something on you, they have you.
- Avoid arguing with them whenever you can. They will often have an argument for everything. Hear what they have to say, make your decision, then pull out.
- Let them push against you in safe ways – let them try different things, express their own opinions, and make their own decisions when appropriate.
- Know where your boundaries are and be ready to implement consequences when they make a bad decision. Make the consequence about their behaviour, not about who they are.